DMV ME

They say that the third times the charm. I haven't observed this enough in my own life to attest to the truthiness of this old adage. I do know, however, that it came true for me yesterday. At the California Department of Motor Vehicles.

Most people put off the DMV-type governmental affairs until they are court-mandated. One of these would be getting a new driver's license to refelct your change of address. The law in California says that you must do it within 10 days of moving to the state. Well, in attempt one of three, I obeyed that law.

I made an appointment (if your state's DMV doesn't do this yet, shame on them) on the website. I was all set. Problem was, my printer screwed up and wouldn't print my confirmation. No confirmation, no appointment. I didn't realize this, of course, until my back was turned to the DMV, and I was walking away.

Two months later, I finally got an appointment for a Saturday morning, so I didn't have to cut out of work. This time, I had my printed confirmation form. I was good to go. There was a line out the door, wrapping around the building. I went to the end, "do you have an appointment?" "No." I went inside. I went more toward the front of the line. "Do y'all have appointments?" "No, just stand next to us, you're next." Confusion overcame me.

Apparently, when you make an appoinment at the DMV, you basically get a free pass to the cardinal sin of every elementary school kid in the universe: "cutsies."

Yes, you get to cut in line. Right to the front. Pass GO, collect $200. Or in this case, don't waste 200 minutes.

I was next. I stepped up to the counter. Pulled out my social security card and Texas driver's license. "Birth certificate or passport." "Huh?" "Birth certificate or passport only, please." "Oh.....okay, see you next time."

It's useless to argue or raise a stink.

0 for 2.

Another month later, I was able to make another appointment. This time, on a Friday morning. I had to work extra all week, so I didn't have to use my vacation time. I had Form DL-44 pre-filled out. I had my birth certificate, social security card, driver's license, personal check for $27, and a determination I haven't felt since the weirdo at Barnes & Noble was trying to convince me "Injuns" are a poo stain on society's historical underwear. (The determination being, I wasn't going to let him spout this nonsense without a rebuttle). Okay, moving on.

The line was again, out the door. I totally cutsied to the front. Then another guy joined me. I asked him what time his appointment was for, and it was 5 minutes before mine, although both of us were early. I said he should go in front of me then. He had a foreign accent. I envisioned him driving an MG. One that he had shipped over here from England when he moved.

Then some woman comes out of the loser, non-appointment line and says, "I've had an appointment this whole time, I didn't know I could just come to the front." To which I reply, "Yeah, I nearly made that mistake my first two times here. They really need to have an instructional video for us appointmentmakers."

She also had a foreign accent.

So I got a number. My number was called in less than 5 minutes. I did my business. Passed the vision test. Got sent to another window. Stood in line for 10 minutes. Got my picture and thumbprint taken. Took a 36 question exam. My pencil didn't have an eraser! Talk about pressure. I could only get 6 wrong to pass. Oh great. I did really well on the practice exams, but the actual one had some tricky questions. Like, what is the lowet BAC that will get you busted. Like I give a crap. I put the lowest number. Wrong.

The question that freaked me out the most was the one Les Anderson (Corey Haim) failed his DMV test on in the critically-acclaimed License to Drive. If the roadway is wet and your car starts to skid, you should:

a) Slow down by shifting to a lower gear
b) Slow down by pumping the brakes quickly and firmly or,
c) Slowly ease your foot off the gas pedal

The scene from the movie replayed in my mind. The words "YOU FAILED" on Les' computer monitor were flashing on my internal computer monitor. It was weird. Thankfully, I knew the answer tho. It's "c."

The DMV is such a melting pot. Regardless of your who you are, what you do, or how much money you make, you have to go to the DMV at some point in your life. Multiple times. Well, unless you don't drive. But that's un-American. Definitely un-Californian. I'm just saying that the guy who cleans up behind the horses on the parade route, and the guy who just donated $66 million to his alma mater when he dies, have to go to the DMV. I should just start camping out at the DMV near Hollywood and chronicle my celebrity sightings. Who's with me?

So I got my license. I'm legally a California resident. Now I can apply with the California State Board of Accountancy and schedule my first CPA Exam. I can also complain about Governator Shwarzenegger's long delay in signing the new state budget. Come on, man, you're the Kindergarten Cop/Predator guy/Terminator and you can't even get the state budget out on time!!